I’ve described the squalor they lived in. This is no way for kids to live.
Shortly before April 15, 2009, she and Richard spent the afternoon in the state capitol, getting the TEA Party started. Richard didn’t tell me what they were doing right away, just hinted about possibly doing something “illegal” or getting arrested. But nobody was arrested.
Anyway, they left the kids with me. When they returned and picked them up, just minutes later, Tracy screamed at her children at the top of her lungs!
I’m not talking about run-of-the-mill yelling, but Exorcist-like screaming!
It was so loud and hysterical that I heard her from my door as they pulled out of the parking lot!
And this was just minutes after picking up the children! After an afternoon of being separated from them! How on earth could anyone get so flustered so fast by even the naughtiest of children?
This was shortly after I received the e-mail in the above section, so I heard for myself what Richard complained about. I felt bad for the kids, and wondered what the neighbors must think.
Early in 2010, I saw Tracy–right in front of me–pop her tiny three-year-old in the back of the head so hard the girl’s tongue flew out. I go into more detail about this below.
In June 2010, I sat on the couch watching the two oldest girls dancing in the living room. They did absolutely nothing wrong, and looked sweet and happy.
But all of a sudden, Tracy went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds, flew over, and began screaming and whacking fury at them.
I had no idea what on earth the kids could have done wrong.
They didn’t say a word or fight back, just seemed to go limp. Even their faces were blank.
Yet Tracy grew madder and madder, screamed louder and louder, yanked their arms around, and whacked spanks every which way!
Like a human tornado, striking without reason or cause or humane feeling.
It wasn’t even at me, yet it left me nervous and scared of her for the rest of the evening! I go into more detail about this and Tracy’s various other abuses that evening, in chapter 7.
I felt gaslit because if Richard told me she was abusing the kids or him a certain way, or that she was screaming at them all the time, he’d acknowledge it as abuse.
But if I saw with my own eyes what she was doing to him and the kids, he’d tell me everything was fine and she was being nice to him and slapping your kid on the back of the head is fine and screaming keeps them from being spoiled etc. etc.
Another way I felt gaslit: Tracy did these things right in front of me, as if daring me to call Child Protective Services. It was truly bizarre.
Since Jeff wasn’t around or wasn’t looking, I began to wonder if it was on purpose, so I wouldn’t have a witness to back me up.
But when we visited, Jeff did hate walking into yelling. He says our son was afraid of her, and that always ticked him off.
I heard her picking fights, and screaming at Richard (in my house) in louder and louder tones, while not listening to a word he said, while he tried very hard not to argue back.
I saw her smack him on the arm in fury and give him intimidating looks.
I heard her pick at her kids for petty things and make them feel like idiots, sometimes screaming at and belittling them for little things.
Several times, I heard her belittling and humiliating the eldest child. One time I remember was in 2010, when she started ridiculing the poor girl one evening. I remember feeling indignant, that it was blatant verbal abuse. She called the girl stupid!
Around that same time, when the third child was 3 or maybe 4, Jeff and I saw her sucking her thumb. We thought it was cute and smiled; Jeff said, “Did you get that from [our son]?”
Then Tracy started screaming her head off at the poor toddler, saying, “Are you a baby?” and not to do that. It was so ferocious and belittling that the girl began to cry. It infuriated me.
When the middle child was 3 and potty training while living in my house, Tracy threatened to spank her if she peed her pants! I believe the child had only just started potty training in the past couple of months, yet Tracy accused her of doing it on purpose!
It’s only natural for young children to have accidents. Even my son’s 4K teacher requested every child bring a spare pair of underpants to school, because it is so common.
I recall Tracy chewing out the oldest for sulking for “not getting her way”; are you so sure the sulking wasn’t actually anger over being treated like crap by her mother?
Proper discipline requires the parent to act like an adult and be in control of herself, not act like a child! If the girl sulks, ignore her! When the girls are good, praise them! They do what brings them attention, whether good or bad attention.
Once, in 2010, Tracy started tickling the middle child–not ordinarily an abusive act–but she kept going and going despite the child’s screams to stop.
Everyone kept laughing–except me: I heard fear and pain in the girl’s voice.
When Tracy stopped, the poor child ran into the bathroom to cry.
But somehow, I was the only one in the house who saw this as wrong, while everybody else laughed.
This horrified me, so the next morning as I walked my son to school, I reminded him of what happened, and told him to never laugh at someone like that.
How on earth can you like a woman who constantly verbally abuses little children right in front of you? How on earth can you get beyond simple pleasantries and become besties?
Was I supposed to become a fake, two-faced friend? Would that please her?
(My college friend Catherine has her own version of a Tracy, whom she tolerates because she’s friends with her “Tracy’s” husband. But her friend apologizes to Catherine for his wife’s behavior! Wouldn’t that have been nice from Richard, instead of constantly looking the other way when she pulled crap, and treating me like the problem was all mine!)
She chewed out her husband in front of me time and again for little things–I don’t want to see your domestic disputes!
It was so bad that Richard often joked, “I love her, but wanna kill her!” I knew he didn’t mean it literally, but it wasn’t funny: It was a symptom of how bad things were. She also joked that she’d never divorce him: She’d kill him instead (making him not want to drink the coffee she just made for him).
Richard said he needed to be around to protect the children from Tracy’s rages, to keep the abuse under control. This article echoes him:
Some men stay because they believe they’re protecting their children from abuse or acting as an ‘abuse buffer.’
According to state law, he is obligated to stop the abuse or be subject to prosecution himself, to remove the children from his abusing spouse and notify authorities.
I keep hoping he will do just that, because there’s only so much I myself can do, especially since they didn’t listen to me and I’m no longer around them. I have no way of finding out what CPS might have done about it. [This section was written before July 2011, when I discovered Richard was also dangerous to his children.]
Richard also said that the middle child was very sensitive, and would try to comfort the others.
This article sounds like Tracy, from various sources: what I witnessed, what Richard told me, what others told me. She did these things with me, with him, with others.
One form of “isolating behavior” listed here is to argue in front of others to make them uncomfortable around the two of you–which she did with Richard right in front of me, many times.
Because I saw Tracy–a large and tall woman–smack a tiny three-year-old girl–small for her age–on the back of her head…because I was shocked and appalled to find people on the Internet say that it’s not abuse to do that…
When researching this behavior, I specifically looked for information on the effects of smacking small children on the back of the head, or anywhere else on the head for that matter, such as the face.
(You have to be careful in research like this because “smack” means “spank” in many countries, and I’m not concerned about light, quick spanks to the well-padded butt.)
I’m less concerned about the effects on older children or teenagers (though I don’t condone that, either) because their heads are more developed and teenagers are practically fully-grown.
But smacking small children is especially risky because of their lack of physical development, small size, and the risk of sending them into a table, TV or other piece of furniture. Toddlers have been killed this way (I found articles about this, but forgot to link them, and couldn’t find them again).
Here is an article about a toddler whose mother “slapped the child, causing him to fall and hit his head on the coffee table,” which then caused the child to suffer severe head injuries and permanent brain damage.
Here is an article about a man who slapped his toddler against a high chair repeatedly, killing her with traumatic brain injury. Also see my blog posts on the subject:
Hitting kids upside the head is ABUSE (my 6th most popular post)
Examples of child abuse
…Because slapping kids on the head is ABUSE! STOP THE VIOLENCE!
Slapping kids upside the head causes traumatic brain injury (my 2nd most popular post)
Tracy and Richard also thought it wrong to even notice and praise a child for doing a chore, as if it would somehow spoil her (then wondered why they couldn’t get their kids to do chores).
I don’t want to describe what the children did on the Web, but a couple of incidents sounded like classic “acting out” behavior, which abused children often do.
Children act out what they see; their demonstration of violent behavior can be a manifestation of their exposure to domestic violence (The Silent Victims of Domestic Violence). –Jessie Brown, April is Child Abuse Prevention Month
Acting-out behavior can also include bullying, drugs, risky sexual behavior, or shoplifting.
When children observe their HAP parent acting in an anti-social and aggressive manner over an extended period of time they often pick up on a number of these behaviours and over time, consider them to be socially acceptable.
Children are a product of their environment and do learn what they live. Children living under the influence of a hostile-aggressive parent may become themselves, selfish, self centred and have growing anger management difficulties as years pass on.
Children who are being physically abused or yelled at constantly by a HAP parent will begin to deal with their own problems in the same manner, often lashing verbally and physically at siblings or schoolmates.
Many of these negative behaviours are often observable at the child’s school. HAP behaviours picked up by a child from the HAP parent will, in many cases, seriously affect a child’s development and interfere with their ability to lead a normal and balanced life.
Some professionals may misdiagnose the child as having a conduct disorder and prescribe medication but, in reality, these professionals fail to realize that the child’s own parent is instilling these types of negative and anti-social behaviours into the child. —Hostile Aggressive Parenting
Tracy thought that if her children were happy, loved her, etc., she wasn’t abusing them. But this isn’t a proper gauge:
In many cases, it is not unusual for a child to exhibit signs of affection and love towards a HAP parent at some times which can be very confusing to the occasional or untrained observer who may see the child showing affection to the HAP parent at some particular time.
Psychologists have recognized for years that even children living under the care of abusive caregivers, often will have deep seated loyalties to those who may be physically and emotionally abusing them.
Most children often long for the love and approval from their caregivers so it is not uncommon for a child who is being abused by an HAP parent to be seen showing affection at some times to their HAP parents. —Hostile Aggressive Parenting
Richard wasn’t blameless, however. He had repented of past abuses, but didn’t acknowledge that he still condoned abusive behaviors.
Like for example, he refused to believe that screaming at children all the time was abusive.
He even told me you should let a husband lose his temper once in a while, that he and Tracy had been blurting things out and yelling at each other and it was somehow “good” for their marriage. (More on this later.)
Table of Contents
- Bullying of an introvert and probable NVLDer
- My NVLD in a nutshell
- Richard dismisses my experiences
- Summarizing this story
- Why I put this story on the Web–at great personal risk
- I was Sam in search of a Frodo, Anne in search of a Diana
- I finally find my Frodo–who moves in
- Discovering they live in squalor
- Richard reveals his wife’s abuses
- Houseguests From Hell
- Tracy turns jealous of and hostile toward me because I’m an introvert with NVLD
- Tracy’s narcissistic/BPD rage episode at Richard–and Richard reveals his own abuse
- Tracy’s control-freak behavior–to me, in my house
- Tracy overhears me telling Jeff she’s abusive–and wreaks vengeance
- Verge of nervous breakdown as houseguests from Hell abuse our hospitality
- Richard gives me the fateful hugs good-bye
- Tracy’s smear campaign and emotional blackmail begin full-force
- I almost break off the friendship because of Tracy
- Tracy’s unreasonable jealousy even as I take pains to be above reproach
- Their doublespeak and double standards
- Tracy snarks and Richard nitpicks
- The emotional vampires suck me dry–and accuse me of being too sensitive
- My Friend Richard, the Narcissist
- Richard says he hypnotized me without my knowledge
- More on Richard’s hypnotism–and his narcissistic stare
- Richard’s past in the Mafia–and his plot to kill the apartment manager
- Tracy bullies me and tries to control Richard by weeding out friends she doesn’t like
- E-mails and phone call describe how Tracy abuses her husband and children
- More details of Tracy’s abuse of her children
- Early 2010: I speak up about Tracy’s child abuse–and ponder reporting her to authorities
- Early warning signs of Tracy’s abuse and volatility
- I get an inkling of Richard’s own abuse of his children
- How to Bully an Introvert–and Assets of NVLD
- Two Narcissists Tag-Team Bully an Introvert with NLD
- Tracy is nasty to me on the phone
- Fed-up, I decide to end the friendship if Tracy does not stop bullying me
- Tracy Mindscrews me with Constantly Changing Rules, “Okays” me then takes it back without telling me, Violates my Privacy by reading my e-mails to Richard
- I must be accepted as I am–introversion, NVLD and all–or you’re out
- Now Richard Screws with my Mind
- Tracy drives away another friend (Todd) with narcissistic rage, manipulation, lies and a smear campaign
- I discover the restrictions are still up after 7 months–and ponder ending the friendship
- Tracy tells Jeff a different story: I have already been “approved” as Richard’s friend
- Richard gaslights me into thinking I’m a stalker
- Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends
- Disturbing Revelations from Richard about Tracy and our time sharing a house
- Revealing e-mails I drafted to Richard: proving I felt abused and bullied, and witnessed abuse
- We seem to have things sorted out–and they seem to finally take responsibility for causing drama (but there’s more to come later)
- E-mails proving my innocence, that Tracy lied in 2010, that I respected boundaries, and that I asked for a “signal”
- Richard mansplains me, denies that his friends sexually harassed me, and refuses to respect my wishes
- Without warning or explanation, tensions build as Richard and Tracy both begin acting like lunatics
- I begin to wonder if the Richard I know–is real or a fake persona
- Richard decides I’m no longer worth his time or respect–because of POLITICS–as he gets into the TEA Party
- Richard goes off the deep end and disses us for not buying into his extreme right-wing politics
- Richard grows distant and Tracy’s insane jealousy flares up
- Richard rips into me publicly and I suspect our friendship is all a fake
- I feel increasing coldness from Richard and Tracy as I “unfriend” their Republican candidates and “friend” Obama and Feingold
- Time to scapegoat me into thinking I’m the problem–and I realize my “BFF” is a fraud
- I confront Richard with how he’s been treating me–so he stonewalls me and threatens to beat up my husband
- Resolution: I apologize–and write the fateful e-mail about the fateful hugs
- Part One: Tracy’s narcissistic rage against me–but I am innocent of all her charges
- Part Two: Tracy enjoys verbally abusing me, then tries to silence me–so I tell everyone
- Part Three: Jeff’s WTF moment: Judas (Richard) knows I’m innocent, but psychotically rages at Jeff
- Part Four: Their DARVO lies lead us to break off relations with our abusers
- Why we should tell everyone we have been abused
- E-Mails to Friends About the Incident, written in first two months
- 1. To Mike and my mother
- 2. E-mails describing pain of breaking up with a close friend
- 3. E-mails spilling all the abuse, to my closest friends
- 4. E-mails to Todd describing what happened
- Why we should not be forced to befriend a BFF’s abusive spouse
- Why I refused to “confer” with Tracy–and how Richard betrayed me
- Tracy refused to accept the NVLD and introversion–but they are real
- Resolving conflict: The difference between friends and frenemies
- I send an apology–and we’re all blocked on Facebook
- Struggling to process what the F**K just happened
- E-mail to Mike: processing my pain
- Pondering forgiveness vs. giving in to the dark vortex
- Shock: Richard and Tracy at my church
- About Richard justifying Tracy’s verbal abuse because I am shy and quiet
- The monster comes back out: Tracy punishes me for long-dead issues
- How Tracy’s e-mails displayed narcissism
- I suggest a six-month break
- I refuse to give in to Tracy’s emotional blackmail
- Tracy blamed others for her abuse
- Tracy tried to force me to submit to her abuse
- Grief over losing my best and closest friend–for no good reason
- Written 2010: Grief over being falsely accused
- Written 2010/2011: Grief over being abused–and the abuser getting away with it
- Written 2010/2011: I see Tracy hanging out of the window of their minivan, like a crazy woman
- Written 2011: Grief that my abusers kept coming to my church but not apologizing to me
- Blog Post for my friends: Fighting the Darkness (Written in February 2011)
- Can we destroy something God put in place?
- An old friend shows me that Richard and Tracy were deceivers, never friends
- The long, dark night of my soul as I doubt God exists–because my spiritual mentor betrayed me
- I start doubting Tracy was ever truly a Christian–so it’s okay to separate myself from her fellowship
- Grief felt on 6/12/11
- 2011 Facebook post: Original form of Losing Your Best Friend?–Or, Narcissistic Webs
- Describing Richard’s narcissism
- Realizing how Richard manipulated me into doing things I shouldn’t
- Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome?
- Tracy: a woman who abuses a man
- Richard’s lack of action made him a passive abuser
- Fear of it all happening again with new friends–but relief as well
- Written early or mid 2011: working through the grief, pain and anger
- How Richard and Tracy’s views on parenting are wrong
- Running into Richard and Tracy at church/the store/Greekfest a year later
- Introduction to this section: Richard’s Criminal Charges
- UPDATE 7/26/11: Richard is charged with abusing his daughter; I report them to CPS
- UPDATE 9/14/11: I learn that Richard choked his daughter
- UPDATE 10/4/11: Richard is convicted of choking his daughter
- UPDATE 10/23/11: After his conviction, Richard comes to my church