Richard also kept contradicting himself. One example was, they were always dealing with poverty, but didn’t always tell me what was going on. But whenever I knew about a problem, I tried to help. He always seemed very grateful for what I could do.
Then one day, he told me something bad was about to happen. I offered to help.
He acted all upset, talking as if I had somehow offended his pride by offering to help.
I got upset because I had been helping him out for months, and now he said it was unwelcome, as if I’d done something horrible by offering to help.
It made me feel like everything I ever did for him–including letting him stay with me–was bad somehow, even though at the time he praised me for it.
Then he said, “Geez you’re sensitive,” for being upset at his reaction.
Then another time in late 2009, I saw him on IRC and asked how he was. He said he wasn’t doing so well but didn’t want to go into it. I left the chat window open and went off to do other things.
I came back, and scrolled back over the last hour or so. He had told some people on IRC all about the dire straits his family was in. I won’t go into detail, but it was life-shattering bad, not just an annoyance.
I was shocked, sad–and miffed that he wouldn’t tell me, his close friend, but would tell these people on the Web.
But since he got so upset the last time I offered to help him out, and gave me the very strong impression that he didn’t want me helping him out anymore, I decided the best thing to do was to listen and sympathize.
Not knowing what else to say that wouldn’t make him mad, I figured it was safe to post, ” 🙁 ”
But then he wrote, “That’s why I don’t tell you these things! I don’t want to see frowny faces. I’ve seen enough crying at home.”
Wait–What? It’s wrong to sympathize with a friend now? And it’s wrong to offer to help? So what am I supposed to do, sit there like a robot and say absolutely nothing, act like it doesn’t bother me?
So I got upset and asked, So what do you want, then? He said he wanted to talk to someone who could help him out, not someone to give him frowny faces.
It was maddening, crazy-making behavior, going back and forth and contradicting himself.
No matter what I did, it didn’t please him; I was supposed to do the opposite of what he wanted the last time, and I was supposed to be able to read his mind and know what he wanted, when. This is narcissistic behavior.
This includes emotional outbursts and extreme mood swings on the part of the abuser.
If your partner likes something you do today and hates it tomorrow, or reacts to the extreme at an identical behavior by the victim, this is an unpredictable response.
This behavior damages the victim’s self esteem, self confidence and mental well-being because they are constantly on edge, wondering how their partner is going to respond to their every move. –Mary M. Alward, Inside the Mind of an Abuser
By the way, I was able to help him, basically by moving heaven and earth.
In early 2010, we had been planning a Thanksgiving get-together that kept getting put off again and again, until finally we were to do it in January or February 2010.
Then the day of, as usual, things fell apart, and I was very upset.
I won’t go into it, especially since so many of the details are now fuzzy. But I felt like we were being put off for no good reason, that it was just another excuse to stand us up yet again.
I began crying because I’d already endured so much of this crap for two years already.
An important piece of information, which later softened my reaction, had not yet been given to me. Note that I was at home and talking with just my husband, that I had not spoken to Richard that day.
Jeff asked if I wanted him to tell Richard how I felt. I was about to say NO, when Richard called.
But because I didn’t have a chance to say no, Jeff went ahead and told Richard. Richard then told Jeff he wasn’t going to be “guilted” by me.
I started crying in anger at the injustice and cruelty of this, since I didn’t even want Richard to know how I felt, and had no intention of “guilting” him.
Jeff was furious, and told me that–since he had to go to their house to get half of the stuff that was going to be used to make the meal–he was going to tell Richard what he thought about his attitude.
When he arrived, before he had a chance to say anything, Richard said, “Sorry.” That calmed down Jeff, who said, “Nyssa’s not trying to guilt you. We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!”
It’s yet more gaslighting: When your unreliability, failure to live up to promises, and rudeness is called out, make the other person feel like the one with the bad attitude. Accuse the other person of “guilting” you, call her too sensitive, say you want to strangle her.
This webpage by Sister Renee Pittelli made me go hmmmm:
THE FAMILY FREELOADER, PART 3: 16 WAYS TO SPOT A CON
…3. Many schnorrers are what we laughingly refer to as “Toppers”. No matter what problems you have, they have even WORSE problems.
If you’re getting tested for cancer, they will have the same symptoms, or worse. If YOUR headaches are migraines, THEIR headaches are from a brain tumor.
They’re notoriously poor listeners and have absolutely no empathy for others. No matter what crisis you might be going through, as soon as you start to tell them about it, they will always change the subject back to themselves. It’s automatic, a conditioned reflex.
…4. Be alert for the veiled threat or implication that you will regret it if you don’t bail them out.
When a normal, hard-working, self-supporting person says “I don’t know what we’re going to do if we can’t pay these housing prices. Aunt Sally says it’s so much cheaper in her state, but I’d hate to be that far away”, you can take it at face value.
But when a schnorrer says it, he’s blackmailing you. He’s implying that if you don’t either subsidize his rent or let him move in with you, he just might have to move out-of-state, and then you’ll never get to see him, or your grandchildren, again.
[This is eerily familiar. I won’t go into detail on the Web, but this is basically it, with alterations for our situation.]
…16. Their “problems” will never have a solution or come to an end. There will never be a time when they get on their feet financially.
Their mysterious illness will never be cured, their vague injury will never heal, their doctor will not believe them or not be able to help them. Everybody will always “be against” them, or continually “misunderstand” them.
Whatever the problem is that’s supposedly preventing them from being able to carry their own weight, support themselves, and take care of their own responsibilities, it will be chronic and ongoing, with no end in sight. Unless you put a stop to it, you have every reason to believe that you will be supporting them forever.
Page Two describes ways of letting people know you need money, without actually asking for it, inspiring them to help you out. Things like, saying you don’t want to tell anyone what’s going on, yet somehow this person finds out anyway what the problem is, and helps out.
Meanwhile, this hard-luck case keeps going on for years, never getting better, always blaming somebody else for not getting a full-time job: sickness, discrimination, not enough education.
Then there was the incident described above, in which Richard told the IRC people and not me about his problem.
But he must’ve known I was still connected to the chatroom, though I was out of the room, because you get alerts when people leave, and lists of who is there. All you have to do is scroll back to see what you missed; he must’ve known this.
And then there’s his relative, who supposedly landed a job in 2007 which would make him rich. But even though it was now 2009, when I suggested Richard go to him, he said that money did not exist yet. So Jeff and I got Richard the money.
It’s not proof, but it’s a huge suspicion, which the above has helped fuel.
Jeff and I feel like such suckers now.
Table of Contents
- Bullying of an introvert and probable NVLDer
- My NVLD in a nutshell
- Richard dismisses my experiences
- Summarizing this story
- Why I put this story on the Web–at great personal risk
- I was Sam in search of a Frodo, Anne in search of a Diana
- I finally find my Frodo–who moves in
- Discovering they live in squalor
- Richard reveals his wife’s abuses
- Houseguests From Hell
- Tracy turns jealous of and hostile toward me because I’m an introvert with NVLD
- Tracy’s narcissistic/BPD rage episode at Richard–and Richard reveals his own abuse
- Tracy’s control-freak behavior–to me, in my house
- Tracy overhears me telling Jeff she’s abusive–and wreaks vengeance
- Verge of nervous breakdown as houseguests from Hell abuse our hospitality
- Richard gives me the fateful hugs good-bye
- Tracy’s smear campaign and emotional blackmail begin full-force
- I almost break off the friendship because of Tracy
- Tracy’s unreasonable jealousy even as I take pains to be above reproach
- Their doublespeak and double standards
- Tracy snarks and Richard nitpicks
- The emotional vampires suck me dry–and accuse me of being too sensitive
- My Friend Richard, the Narcissist
- Richard says he hypnotized me without my knowledge
- More on Richard’s hypnotism–and his narcissistic stare
- Richard’s past in the Mafia–and his plot to kill the apartment manager
- Tracy bullies me and tries to control Richard by weeding out friends she doesn’t like
- E-mails and phone call describe how Tracy abuses her husband and children
- More details of Tracy’s abuse of her children
- Early 2010: I speak up about Tracy’s child abuse–and ponder reporting her to authorities
- Early warning signs of Tracy’s abuse and volatility
- I get an inkling of Richard’s own abuse of his children
- How to Bully an Introvert–and Assets of NVLD
- Two Narcissists Tag-Team Bully an Introvert with NLD
- Tracy is nasty to me on the phone
- Fed-up, I decide to end the friendship if Tracy does not stop bullying me
- Tracy Mindscrews me with Constantly Changing Rules, “Okays” me then takes it back without telling me, Violates my Privacy by reading my e-mails to Richard
- I must be accepted as I am–introversion, NVLD and all–or you’re out
- Now Richard Screws with my Mind
- Tracy drives away another friend (Todd) with narcissistic rage, manipulation, lies and a smear campaign
- I discover the restrictions are still up after 7 months–and ponder ending the friendship
- Tracy tells Jeff a different story: I have already been “approved” as Richard’s friend
- Richard gaslights me into thinking I’m a stalker
- Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends
- Disturbing Revelations from Richard about Tracy and our time sharing a house
- Revealing e-mails I drafted to Richard: proving I felt abused and bullied, and witnessed abuse
- We seem to have things sorted out–and they seem to finally take responsibility for causing drama (but there’s more to come later)
- E-mails proving my innocence, that Tracy lied in 2010, that I respected boundaries, and that I asked for a “signal”
- Richard mansplains me, denies that his friends sexually harassed me, and refuses to respect my wishes
- Without warning or explanation, tensions build as Richard and Tracy both begin acting like lunatics
- I begin to wonder if the Richard I know–is real or a fake persona
- Richard decides I’m no longer worth his time or respect–because of POLITICS–as he gets into the TEA Party
- Richard goes off the deep end and disses us for not buying into his extreme right-wing politics
- Richard grows distant and Tracy’s insane jealousy flares up
- Richard rips into me publicly and I suspect our friendship is all a fake
- I feel increasing coldness from Richard and Tracy as I “unfriend” their Republican candidates and “friend” Obama and Feingold
- Time to scapegoat me into thinking I’m the problem–and I realize my “BFF” is a fraud
- I confront Richard with how he’s been treating me–so he stonewalls me and threatens to beat up my husband
- Resolution: I apologize–and write the fateful e-mail about the fateful hugs
- Part One: Tracy’s narcissistic rage against me–but I am innocent of all her charges
- Part Two: Tracy enjoys verbally abusing me, then tries to silence me–so I tell everyone
- Part Three: Jeff’s WTF moment: Judas (Richard) knows I’m innocent, but psychotically rages at Jeff
- Part Four: Their DARVO lies lead us to break off relations with our abusers
- Why we should tell everyone we have been abused
- E-Mails to Friends About the Incident, written in first two months
- 1. To Mike and my mother
- 2. E-mails describing pain of breaking up with a close friend
- 3. E-mails spilling all the abuse, to my closest friends
- 4. E-mails to Todd describing what happened
- Why we should not be forced to befriend a BFF’s abusive spouse
- Why I refused to “confer” with Tracy–and how Richard betrayed me
- Tracy refused to accept the NVLD and introversion–but they are real
- Resolving conflict: The difference between friends and frenemies
- I send an apology–and we’re all blocked on Facebook
- Struggling to process what the F**K just happened
- E-mail to Mike: processing my pain
- Pondering forgiveness vs. giving in to the dark vortex
- Shock: Richard and Tracy at my church
- About Richard justifying Tracy’s verbal abuse because I am shy and quiet
- The monster comes back out: Tracy punishes me for long-dead issues
- How Tracy’s e-mails displayed narcissism
- I suggest a six-month break
- I refuse to give in to Tracy’s emotional blackmail
- Tracy blamed others for her abuse
- Tracy tried to force me to submit to her abuse
- Grief over losing my best and closest friend–for no good reason
- Written 2010: Grief over being falsely accused
- Written 2010/2011: Grief over being abused–and the abuser getting away with it
- Written 2010/2011: I see Tracy hanging out of the window of their minivan, like a crazy woman
- Written 2011: Grief that my abusers kept coming to my church but not apologizing to me
- Blog Post for my friends: Fighting the Darkness (Written in February 2011)
- Can we destroy something God put in place?
- An old friend shows me that Richard and Tracy were deceivers, never friends
- The long, dark night of my soul as I doubt God exists–because my spiritual mentor betrayed me
- I start doubting Tracy was ever truly a Christian–so it’s okay to separate myself from her fellowship
- Grief felt on 6/12/11
- 2011 Facebook post: Original form of Losing Your Best Friend?–Or, Narcissistic Webs
- Describing Richard’s narcissism
- Realizing how Richard manipulated me into doing things I shouldn’t
- Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome?
- Tracy: a woman who abuses a man
- Richard’s lack of action made him a passive abuser
- Fear of it all happening again with new friends–but relief as well
- Written early or mid 2011: working through the grief, pain and anger
- How Richard and Tracy’s views on parenting are wrong
- Running into Richard and Tracy at church/the store/Greekfest a year later
- Introduction to this section: Richard’s Criminal Charges
- UPDATE 7/26/11: Richard is charged with abusing his daughter; I report them to CPS
- UPDATE 9/14/11: I learn that Richard choked his daughter
- UPDATE 10/4/11: Richard is convicted of choking his daughter
- UPDATE 10/23/11: After his conviction, Richard comes to my church