We seem to have things sorted out–and they seem to finally take responsibility for causing drama (but there’s more to come later)

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on August 14, 2010April 7, 2023

But then an hour after the last draft I wrote of the above e-mail, I wrote to Jeff,

I *finally* got to finish that talk with Richard. I had things all written down to say, then when I got the chance to say them, realized I was sick of the whole thing and just said maybe one or two things and that “nobody meant any harm.” He noted that our two families just do a lot of things differently.
From what he says, it sounds like there’s been a LOT of miscommunication going on that has fueled everything, things that would have made a difference if I knew about them at the time. Like, I was being protective of him at times, thought he was being mistreated, and had no idea he agreed with Tracy.
I told him that what Tracy overheard was not the whole story; I reminded him how he scolded me later, how I told you about it and we both relented on some things. He says that things are now coming out in the open that should make a huge difference in how everybody interacts.
I told him I’m often clueless on social matters and to PLEASE let me know when I screw something up, that I might get upset but I’ll be better for the hearing.
He also says they’re going to go look at a duplex. Here’s hoping!

Then I sent this to Richard on June 13:

(By e-mail since it’s probably far too busy this weekend for you to be taking another phone call.) I can’t help feeling this enormously icky feeling over some of the things we did that you guys were offended by….
I start thinking, “And all this time he felt this way and I had no clue. I hope he didn’t think less of me because of it, or that I was any less dear to him.”
It makes me feel like a huge heel even though we never, ever, ever meant anything the way that these things apparently came across. I guess we just were blinded by our emotions (I was feeling mistreated and pushed aside, Jeff was upset that his wife was upset) and didn’t think things through.
So I’m sending an apology to you as well. Oh, and you also have my permission to launch something soft and fuzzy at me (pillow, stuffed animal) if I miss a conversational cue.

In response Richard wrote,

There is nothing to fret about. No need for an apology and nothing to worry over. Both you and Jeff are Godsends who extended arms of love and support for a family down in the dumps.
If anything we apologize for causing drama. Our only excuses for any drama is that we lived in [old region] far too long to get it out of our systems before coming out here. 😛
So have no worries, luv. Stop dwelling! No more worrying!

I wrote,

[happy cry]
I will try to stop dwelling/worrying. It’s hard for me to do. 😛 One of the introverted traits: We ruminate.
One of the NVLD traits: We tend to latch onto something, like an interest or a hobby or a situation, and it won’t leave our heads for days no matter what we do. (If you doubt it, just look at the size of my “Orthodox Theology” file. Now it’s broken; I think I need a box….)
So I get hit with a double-whammy.
But knowing that we are *OKAY* will be a tremendous help. Hopefully I will be able to latch onto something else soon–say, trying to get through Sho-Gun at last. Less than 300 pages left!
I do have a problem, though: I can’t go to confession, at least with my own priest, for weeks. He’s gone for two weeks, and when he comes back, the first Divine Liturgy will be at the site of Greek Fest. No confessions there, not in the Rec Center with no Jesus icon and people already banging down the doors and milling in for the good eats.
Now I see why confession is so important: Even with the best of intentions, you can still hurt people. I long to hie myself there ASAP.

It seemed like all our problems were now resolved, like they had FINALLY taken responsibility for causing this drama, instead of always putting it on my shoulders. Now that I finally got my apology, I felt I could move on.

You also see that I took much of the responsibility on myself.

At some point, I told him I hoped it wasn’t the beginning of the end, but the end of the beginning. I thought it was the end of the beginning.

You’d think that was the end of it. I had also sent an apology to Tracy, despite Richard telling me I didn’t need to. I decided not to listen to him anymore, and just do it anyway. I asked if we could start over, and we did. Next time I saw her, I felt the wall was gone, and chatted with her easily.

But a year later–after I had been led to believe for some months that Tracy’s restrictions on me were all dropped again (more on this later)–I discovered this “apology” was a lie. That it *was* the beginning of the end.

I discovered that Tracy refused to drop her grudges no matter what I said, no matter what I did, that nothing I did ever satisfied her.

That this was all a big con game she played to screw with my head and drive me insane.

It made me wonder if, when he said “we apologize for bringing drama into your house,” by “we” he meant “I.” If she even knew he had written this. If I could consider it to be an apology from her, or just from him.

But I was dealing with a woman who probably has borderline personality disorder and/or is a narcissist.

Richard himself said that she goes in cycles, fine for a while, then abuse starting up again.

I did my darndest to fight off bad memories and bad feeling, and forgive. And for a while it worked.

But then at some point–I believe during the following winter (2009/2010)–she started cycling again, abusing the kids in front of me, snarking at me, sniping at Richard. And it all went downhill from there. But more on that to come.

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

2. We share a house

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me