E-Mails Describing pain of breaking up with a close friend

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on September 2, 2010October 6, 2020

I wrote to Mike,

Another former friend [Todd] of [Richard and Tracy] sympathizes. He also found himself at the mercy of the wife’s temper. He stayed with them for a little while a few years ago.
He knows how hard she is to deal with, and that what she says, goes. When she goes off on you, she is brutal. And my (former) friend [Richard] stands with her rather than trying to buffer things.
I don’t know how many friends he’s already lost because of his wife, but we’re not the only ones.
He’s told me of others, that people will say they can’t be friends with him anymore because of her, that he’s had friends who were at “war” with her.
She comes from a very abusive home, you see, and some of the traits were passed along to her.
My (former) friend is well aware of these things….And she keeps chasing his friends away. If it weren’t for her, I would never have given up my friend.
Fine, my friend “Richard.” I might as well say it [his name], now that you won’t ever be meeting him and he won’t be on my Facebook page anymore.
I had to deal with two very hard breakups in college. You weren’t around for the first one. Each were hard in their own way, the first because it was a new experience and I didn’t know what to do. In both cases, I thought I’d be with this guy forever.
I see that breaking up with a friend is much the same as breaking up with a boyfriend: It hurts.
Your heart aches when you see something that reminds you of your friend. If you’ve been together a while, then practically everything you see, hear (such as songs) or do will remind you of them for a while.
You have movies you watched, songs you enjoyed, TV shows you watched together, even grocery stores or restaurants that you went to together. Even going to church reminds you of that person if you went to the same church.
My very faith reminds me of him because he helped lead me into it and I thought (briefly) about making him my godfather. [He offered, I had already thought about it, but he’s my age and the opposite sex, so I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea.]
Every other time we had a problem, we’d talk on the phone or in person or by chat or e-mail and make it all better. But that won’t be happening this time.
He was my confidant about so many things, so many problems I was dealing with, like when my parents were having problems and my dad (we thought) had left my mom.
And now he’s gone, not because he wanted to be–Jeff says he wanted to work things out [at least, that’s what he said, though he didn’t act like it]–but because Jeff and I looked at each other and realized we had to end it.
I suppose in time I’ll get past it like I did my breakups with exes. But I’ve only had to break off one other friendship in my whole life, and that was with someone who had, himself, treated me horribly [Shawn].
I never before had to break up with a friend because of who they were married to. Friends are supposed to be there forever. Even if they fade away, you’re supposed to be able to get in touch with them again years later and it’s like they never left.
I have to send this e-mail off without checking it for errors, because I had a hard time getting through the writing of it… 🙁

On the 13th, I wrote to Jeff,

Had a thought…. The thought struck me today….
When I think of all the gaffes Richard has made, things I’ve witnessed and that he’s told me about….We discussed them and moved passed them calmly and rationally, and forgave.
I make one and I’m treated like the Antichrist. Can we say unfair?

Jeff replied,