I refuse to give in to Tracy’s emotional blackmail

by Nyssa McCanmore
Posted on September 18, 2010May 23, 2023

Warning: The following contains venting of anger, to get it out of my heart and onto the page, to make the story authentic, and to show other victims of abuse that I feel your rage.

It had to be Tracy’s way or no way.

She tried to force me to allow her to scream her narcissistic/borderline fury at me, to accept all her abuse as my due and grovel before her, or else I could never be friends with Richard, be friends with him on Facebook, e-mail him, contact him, etc. etc.

This was emotional blackmail, so I refused to go along with it. My mom said Tracy was being very manipulative.

This meant I could not be friends with Richard, but the price was far too high. I could not give in to her, could not sacrifice my self-respect to her, could not let her break my spirit the way she tried to break the spirits of her children.

Brian denied that he needed any help. He thought he was fine the way he was and he had good reasons every time he exploded. It was everyone else’s fault that he lost his temper, and they deserved what he said or did to them.
He told Carl clearly that if Carl didn’t do what he wanted and didn’t endure the attacks, Brian wouldn’t allow Carl to see his grandchildren. There it was; not only attacks but also blackmail.
…So what did Carl do?
He and Vickie decided to tell Brian that they wouldn’t take the abuse any more. They were going to create an Isle of Song for the rest of their lives. Good behavior was required from anyone to get on that Isle; blood wouldn’t count.
They knew they’d said that before, but they’d always given in and had pretended that the bullying had never happened. They knew also that Brian counted on that.
The next time Brian exploded at them in front of his 11 and 13 year-old children, Carl said publicly that they weren’t going to put up with that behavior any more. They weren’t going to see Brian. They’d love to see the kids but Brian probably wouldn’t allow that. They wanted the kids to know who was responsible for the breach.
Carl told Brian they were taking a break from involvement with him for at least six months. He’d have to make it on his own. After then, if he wanted to resume contact he’d have to call and apologize and promise never to act that way again. He’d especially have to apologize to Vickie. Carl was going to protect his wife against all comers, even his son.
Even after that time, they were going to continue to withhold money because they wanted interactions to be based on fun, not need or greed. —How can we stop bullies if we’re compassionate?

Also see my blog post on emotional blackmail.

It seemed that apologizing to her got me nowhere. She did not accept, did not respond with an apology for her own verbal abuse.

She kept going on about things which I had apologized for and/or stopped doing a long time before, things which she never forgot about and kept bringing up all the time with Richard (and he with me on occasion), so that I was embarrassed and wanted to hear no more about it.

She talked to me as if I were a seducing vixen who didn’t understand boundaries, when I had been careful not to cross boundaries.

After I showed Jeff the series of e-mails she sent me after my own apology on August 1, I said, “The things she wrote make me feel like such a whore!” He said, furious with Tracy, “That stops NOW!”

What disturbed me further was when Chris–though he said Richard told him nothing about what happened–came on Facebook and started talking to me as if I had somehow been trying to start an affair with Richard! I wondered where he even got this idea.

I wanted to tell Chris that Tracy’s complaint of me was a red herring, that there was no such thing going on, that the real issue was her abuse and bullying. Instead, I told him that there was no attempt to have an affair with Richard, that I’m very much in love with my husband and he’s like my other half, that Richard was my spiritual brother.

I wondered if Chris had any clue about Tracy’s abuses, if Richard had ever told him what he told me, if Chris had any clue that Tracy was treating me, the same way Chris’ own wife was treating Richard.

Chris knew what it was like to have a wife who would punish him for wanting to hang around with a close friend whom she objected to.

I had hoped that Richard’s trouble with Chris’ wife would show Richard what it was like to be in my position, so he would understand me and stop making excuses for Tracy.

But apparently–even though I made the connection during conversation with him one day–he just didn’t get it.

This little blurb sounds familiar because Tracy gave every indication of not being satisfied until she had her chance to go on and on and on about how horrible I’d been, no matter what apologies or explanations or white roses of peace I might give her:

Just a day or so before this person she was addressing had emotionally abused her for an hour over the most unpredictable and irrational thing until HE felt better.
Nothing she said or did could assuage him. He simply had to abuse her until he started feeling better. —Do They Have Feelings?

Though I can imagine that if I stopped biting my tongue and told her all the things on my own 6-page list of all the horrible things she and Richard had done, something like this would happen:

Yet, she makes this matter-of-fact statement and because REALITY sucked for him…his feelings were ‘hurt’. She told me in agonizing tones how horrible she felt immediately after saying it because she could see the ‘hurt’ in his eyes as he toddled off to his bedroom.–from above link

I was sick and tired of all these false accusations, of drama queens and know-it-alls, of people justifying jealousy, possessiveness and control.

I most likely have NLD or Asperger’s or both, but I can still tell when bad behavior is treated like good. I can recognize injustice and hypocrisy.

So I was not allowed to be friends with Richard after all. But then, after all that had happened, being friends with Richard again was not going to happen anyway unless Tracy had a complete and utter change of heart, mind and behavior.

I broke off the friendship with him for good reason, and wasn’t going to reconcile with him unless she did this.

But that’s a lot to ask of someone who just will not admit that her behavior is abusive, irrational, manipulative, but just keeps justifying it as her right and something you have to just accept.

Jeff doesn’t want to find me sitting with them in the church basement again. Hopefully they won’t come to my church anymore unless they’re ready to apologize. [Note: This was written in 2010 or 2011.]

I noticed before when Todd broke off relations with them, and now it was happening again, them being all mean and chasing off the friend, then complaining, “Well, you’re the one who ended it, not us.”

First time, Richard said it to the ex friend Todd; this time, Tracy said it. What the heck?

And of course, guess who has to change, guess who has to apologize, for them to take you back: YOU!

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

2. We share a house

3. Tracy’s abuse turns on me