You Don’t Have to Dance for Them: Moving On
Another wonderful post from Upsi, applicable to probably all or most of us who are dealing with the after-effects of some sort of abuse, and which reminds me of my stalkers. [Update 6/17/14: She has taken down her blog, so I have removed the link, which has been taken over by a spammer.] Some quotes:
Have you ever noticed that the edict to “move on” or “get over it” is frequently issued by none other than the brazen reprobates spreading so much misery in the first place?
Who is anyone to define what “moving on” looks like for someone else? All too often, this sentiment amounts to silencing. It is used to belittle. It is the expression of discomfort with someone else’s process, as if any of us has the right to dictate when it is time to move on….
When you have mourned, you will naturally find release. Don’t let anyone tell you what timeline is right for you.
Yep–My own narc Tracy expressed to me twice that she expected me to just take what she said/did as my due, and then “get over” being hurt over it.
First in a conversation one month after her narcissistic rage and verbal abuse of me, when she told me to “GROW UP and get over feeling hurt over the consequences of” my “behavior” (“behavior” which she was always twisting into something other than what it really was).
And second in her e-mail quoted in Now I’m Being Stalked, in which she said two years is enough time (totally minimizing the destructive nature of the things she said and did, and showing her usual lack of consideration for other people).
So–The one who abused me is the one dictating to me whether and how soon I should “get over it”? Especially considering the grudge she bore against Todd for lashing back at her after she’d been verbally abusing him—
cussing him out, accusing him of motives he did not have, belittling him publicly, and lying about his actions to make him look bad to an entire game forum–
saying some time afterwards that she wanted to see him “at the bottom of the sea.”
And the grudge she bore against me for an entire two and a half years because I did not have the time every day to sit and talk with her all afternoon when she stayed at my house for six weeks, for doing a couple of things which Richard had taught me were perfectly fine things for friends to do but no longer doing them after she objected, and because I refused to get close to a dangerous person whom I witnessed abusing my best friend and his children.
But no, if she gets nasty, I’m supposed to just “grow up” and “get over it.”
No, my abuser/bully does not get to dictate to me how I react to her abuse, or how long my healing process will take. She does not get to decide whether or not I’ll be hurt by it or–even better–furiously angered by it. I get to call the shots about my own life.
As Patricia Singleton puts it so eloquently:
I have discovered that those people who tell me to “Let it go now. Move on.” are usually one of two types. They either have never experienced what I have and therefore know nothing about the process that it takes to heal. Or, they have their own abuse issues that they want to stay in denial of.
If you see me going through my issues and haven’t dealt with your own, then my struggle threatens your denial. That is why you tell me to let it go and to move on so that you don’t have to become aware of your own unresolved issues.
I feel sad for those who are still in denial of their own issues. I have little sympathy for those who don’t know what they are talking about because they have never experienced what I have.
If you haven’t been there, you have no idea of what it takes to live my life and to struggle to get better. Don’t tell me to get over it.
If you have been where I am and were able to let go of your issues by healing them, then tell me how you did it. Share your experiences and what worked.
Don’t share your denial of your issues. I don’t need that. I did that, on my own, years ago and I know that denial just helps you continue to live in the pain.
Denial heals nothing. When you are in denial, you aren’t happy. You aren’t free. The only way to freedom is through the pain, not around it.
…Some of you choose to share your own experiences, as I do, by blogging about them online. Others choose to write in private journals. Some of you still continue in the silence because you haven’t found your voice yet.
It is for other incest and childhood abuse survivors that I write of my experiences. Any time that someone survives abuse in any form and can write about that journey, that is inspirational. It isn’t light, funny inspiration. It is sad, thoughtful, sometimes tearful. It is always heartfelt.
Sometimes it comes from a deep well of hurt. It is always healing to be able to bring these thoughts and feelings to the surface and share them with others. It can be educational to share with others who have never experienced abuse in their own lives. Without awareness, you can stop nothing.
As Darlene Ouimet writes:
I heard so many things against speaking about the past. Questions which are actually statements and judgements more than they are actual questions such as “why do you want to talk about your problems in public” or “why do you want to air your dirty laundry in front of the whole world?”
These judgements always concluded with some version of “you are only making yourself look like a fool.” Statements like that carried with them the all too familiar indication that the speakers (the judges) were concerned for ME; that they truly cared about what was “best for me”.
When I faced the cold hard truth, I began to comprehend the actuality reality; I realized that their concern was never for me. I didn’t need to make myself look like a fool, they did that for me all of my life.
I think of the times they delighted in finding ways to embarrass me or humiliate me in front of others. In fact I think that some of their motives were based on discrediting me in case I ever revealed the truth.
They were not concerned about MY dirty laundry. They were only concerned about what I was exposing about THEM. They didn’t want me to expose THEIR dirty laundry.
And I think this would be a good time to add that if they didn’t KNOW what they were doing was wrong, if they didn’t “know any better” then WHY did they know that they needed to keep me quiet about it?…
But an even bigger eye opener was when I realized the lengths that so many people went to, to make sure I kept quiet. Like I said, if they did not know their behaviour was wrong, they would not have spent so much energy making sure it didn’t come out in the open.
I wish I had found a website or like this when I was searching for answers all those years.
Nobody was talking about holding family accountable for abuse or about exposing abusers… everyone seemed to be talking about forgiveness or letting go of the past. “Live for today” and “acceptance is the answer” but nobody wanted to talk about WHAT we were supposed to accept!
Were they really telling me to accept that people messed with my head, discounted and devalued me, took advantage of me, taught me that something was “wrong with me”, abused, mistreated and objectified me, and telling me that I should just “get over it”?
In that dysfunctional recovery system, everyone endorsed “keeping the silence” and no one wanted to talk about spending some time actually validating the dysfunction first.
I was never able to put the past behind me until I actually validated the damage that was done. There are even therapists out there that will refuse to work with you if you want to talk about the past!…
I spent only 2 years facing and validate it and all the results that I ever could have hoped for were achieved. So what is so wrong with my way? At least I am living proof that it worked!
I speak and I write EFB because it is my story and MINE to tell. I celebrate the permission I give myself to tell my story after years of being silenced.
It is validating for me and for others to hear the benefits of living in truth. Finding, facing and embracing the truth is what set me free from oppression, depression and the low self esteem that hindered me all of my life before I faced the lies so I could embrace this truth.
Also: http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/02/oh-wise-one.html [Update: No longer exists]