About Richard justifying Tracy’s verbal abuse because I am shy and quiet
Warning: The following contains venting of anger, to get it out of my heart and onto the page, to make the story authentic, and to show other victims of abuse that I feel your rage.
So now he’s downplaying and defending her verbal abuse of me as well, when he only just told me he blamed himself for everything? Jeff and I both consider this ridiculous, ludicrous and appalling. (And it’s yet another example of some rule I broke without knowing it existed.)
It’s more offensive to stop talking to someone who’s lately, and without explanation, been bullying you for everything you do or say, online or off, than for them to scream abuse at you?
Who even took your good wishes for a trip as some sort of pass at her husband?
Who got snarky with you for a Facebook comment you made about a church function, so snarky you had to delete it because it assumed some ignorance which you did not possess?
So Tracy can be just as much of a bitch to me as she wants to be, while I’m supposed to be her fawning friend no matter what?
Just keep talking to her, treating her like she’s the bee’s knees–even when her constant, nasty and unprovoked treatment of me makes me want nothing to do with her?
What on earth kind of people are these two, anyway?
I bet she somehow found some way to justify how she treated me. Yet I did NOTHING to bring it on.
They tried to make it sound like I was somehow treating her badly, so she treated me badly.
But NO. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. I tried my dangest to be nice to her and forgive her, while she turned around and was nasty to me and abusive to others.
And Richard wants to be a priest or psychologist? I wouldn’t go to him for spiritual advice! Not anymore, like I used to! I used to think Richard had good character, but now I think I must have been wrong.
I stopped talking to Tracy on Facebook on purpose because I was sick of her snarks. I stopped liking her posts, stopped commenting.
But that was only maybe a week or two before 7/1/10, probably when she raged at me for posting “Have a nice trip.” I talked to her no less in person than I normally did, but we saw little of each other in the month of June.
What kind of people are you two, anyway, Richard and Tracy? I thought Tracy was the horrid one–apparently Richard is horrible and horrid as well!
How could I have been so deceived by him? Some people are very good at seeming to be angels of light, or sheep, when the reality is quite different.
He did not specify which month and a half I didn’t say two sentences together to Tracy, so I’ve only been able to speculate.
I don’t even remember, since I don’t keep track of how many sentences I say to a person in a row, so I don’t know when this was or the reasons why. It’s yet another time they didn’t communicate a thing with me.
The last month and a half before 7/1 seems most likely, except that I must have said more than two sentences to her during the May birthday party and at the Memorial Day get-together, and I must have spoken to her during the D&D games we did after that.
Once again, here is echoing: Even though I never deliberately tried to hurt Tracy and had no clue what she was even talking about, while she deliberately said and did hurtful things and ripped me to shreds with her words, what I did was worse than what she did, and justified it????
I could not believe that Richard, whom I once sheltered and thought was a very dear friend, whom I clucked over like a mother hen, whom I told my secrets to, whom I looked up to as a spiritual guide, would say such horrible things and condone abuse of any kind.
Let’s get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don’t you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist’s fiction that conforms to his or her specifications?…
Being late with dinner is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. Being “too this” or “too that” for his taste is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. Demanding decent and respectful treatment is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.
I don’t care how “threatened” any of that makes the poor, twisted narcissist feel. His perverted feelings are HIS problem, not yours. Like Osama bin Wanton, he will never run out of twisted excuses to irrationalize his attacks on you, so get off the guilt trip. His perversity is not YOUR vice.
Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization. Blow off this absurd “It takes two to Tango” crap. –Kathy Krajco, Blaming the Victim of Narcissism
Yes! This four-year-old has learned the art of Behavior Modification! It’s childsplay, ain’t it? His happy face is a carrot to reward you for good behavior, and his mad face is a stick to punish you for bad behavior. Now notice how similar this is to an adult narcissist’s rages. They are exactly the same thing.
Whenever you aren’t behaving the way they want, they throw a fit. Like that brat in the grocery store, they don’t think they should even have to ask for what they they want.
They think you should be so attentive to their desires that you just offer it to them. It would be beneath them to ask for anything.
So they throw a “Don’t-go-there!” tantrum whenever you aren’t playing the part they’ve assigned to you in the stageplay of their life. –Kathy Krajco, How a Narcissist Trains His Victims
Eastern cultures see introversion as a value and give it much esteem. Western cultures prefer extraversion. For a balanced, safe, and caring world, we must learn to value both. —The Happy Introvert, Elizabeth Wagele
For years I made the effort to be polite, to say hi, to speak up, to talk more about myself. But my efforts were NEVER rewarded by more outgoing people who still wanted to harp on how quiet I was!
It seemed like for them, whatever efforts I made were never good enough.
Well here’s a breaking news bulletin: some people are shy and quiet and that’s just the way it is. They are not being rude just because they are not exactly like you, Mr. or Mrs. Extrovert-Without-a-Clue. —The Shytrovert, “I Hate Shy People? WTF? Really?!”
For extroverts who derive their self esteem from constant social stroking, the shytrovert is a hated foil. We make them feel uncomfortable, and they’re not used to feeling discomfort in the company of others, so they lash out at us.
We’re wrong, flawed, conceited, aloof, cold, unfriendly, and so on. WRONG.
It occurs to me that only a jackass could hate a meek soul who is doing nothing but keeping to his or herself. —The Shytrovert, I’m OK, You’re OK, We’re All OK, OK?
If there’s anything that gets under a shytrovert’s skin more it’s the phrase “you’re so quiet” or its equally annoying variant, “why are you so quiet?”
I mean seriously! Not only are these questions rude, but they’re like asking someone “why are you so red headed?” or “why are you so black/white/Asian?” —The Shytrovert, “I’m So Quiet? Well You’re So Rude!”
Table of Contents
- Bullying of an introvert and probable NVLDer
- My NVLD in a nutshell
- Richard dismisses my experiences
- Summarizing this story
- Why I put this story on the Web–at great personal risk
- I was Sam in search of a Frodo, Anne in search of a Diana
- I finally find my Frodo–who moves in
- Discovering they live in squalor
- Richard reveals his wife’s abuses
- Houseguests From Hell
- Tracy turns jealous of and hostile toward me because I’m an introvert with NVLD
- Tracy’s narcissistic/BPD rage episode at Richard–and Richard reveals his own abuse
- Tracy’s control-freak behavior–to me, in my house
- Tracy overhears me telling Jeff she’s abusive–and wreaks vengeance
- Verge of nervous breakdown as houseguests from Hell abuse our hospitality
- Richard gives me the fateful hugs good-bye
- Tracy’s smear campaign and emotional blackmail begin full-force
- I almost break off the friendship because of Tracy
- Tracy’s unreasonable jealousy even as I take pains to be above reproach
- Their doublespeak and double standards
- Tracy snarks and Richard nitpicks
- The emotional vampires suck me dry–and accuse me of being too sensitive
- My Friend Richard, the Narcissist
- Richard says he hypnotized me without my knowledge
- More on Richard’s hypnotism–and his narcissistic stare
- Richard’s past in the Mafia–and his plot to kill the apartment manager
- Tracy bullies me and tries to control Richard by weeding out friends she doesn’t like
4. More details about Tracy’s abuse of her husband and children
- E-mails and phone call describe how Tracy abuses her husband and children
- More details of Tracy’s abuse of her children
- Early 2010: I speak up about Tracy’s child abuse–and ponder reporting her to authorities
- Early warning signs of Tracy’s abuse and volatility
- I get an inkling of Richard’s own abuse of his children
- How to Bully an Introvert–and Assets of NVLD
- Two Narcissists Tag-Team Bully an Introvert with NLD
- Tracy is nasty to me on the phone
- Fed-up, I decide to end the friendship if Tracy does not stop bullying me
- Tracy Mindscrews me with Constantly Changing Rules, “Okays” me then takes it back without telling me, Violates my Privacy by reading my e-mails to Richard
- I must be accepted as I am–introversion, NVLD and all–or you’re out
- Now Richard Screws with my Mind
- Tracy drives away another friend (Todd) with narcissistic rage, manipulation, lies and a smear campaign
- I discover the restrictions are still up after 7 months–and ponder ending the friendship
- Tracy tells Jeff a different story: I have already been “approved” as Richard’s friend
- Richard gaslights me into thinking I’m a stalker
6. Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends
- Sexual Harassment from some of Richard’s friends
- Disturbing Revelations from Richard about Tracy and our time sharing a house
- Revealing e-mails I drafted to Richard: proving I felt abused and bullied, and witnessed abuse
- We seem to have things sorted out–and they seem to finally take responsibility for causing drama (but there’s more to come later)
- E-mails proving my innocence, that Tracy lied in 2010, that I respected boundaries, and that I asked for a “signal”
- Richard mansplains me, denies that his friends sexually harassed me, and refuses to respect my wishes
7. Without warning or explanation, tensions build
- Without warning or explanation, tensions build as Richard and Tracy both begin acting like lunatics
- I begin to wonder if the Richard I know–is real or a fake persona
- Richard decides I’m no longer worth his time or respect–because of POLITICS–as he gets into the TEA Party
- Richard goes off the deep end and disses us for not buying into his extreme right-wing politics
- Richard grows distant and Tracy’s insane jealousy flares up
- Richard rips into me publicly and I suspect our friendship is all a fake
- I feel increasing coldness from Richard and Tracy as I “unfriend” their Republican candidates and “friend” Obama and Feingold
- Time to scapegoat me into thinking I’m the problem–and I realize my “BFF” is a fraud
- I confront Richard with how he’s been treating me–so he stonewalls me and threatens to beat up my husband
- Resolution: I apologize–and write the fateful e-mail about the fateful hugs
- Part One: Tracy’s narcissistic rage against me–but I am innocent of all her charges
- Part Two: Tracy enjoys verbally abusing me, then tries to silence me–so I tell everyone
- Part Three: Jeff’s WTF moment: Judas (Richard) knows I’m innocent, but psychotically rages at Jeff
- Part Four: Their DARVO lies lead us to break off relations with our abusers
- Why we should tell everyone we have been abused
- E-Mails to Friends About the Incident, written in first two months
- 1. To Mike and my mother
- 2. E-mails describing pain of breaking up with a close friend
- 3. E-mails spilling all the abuse, to my closest friends
- 4. E-mails to Todd describing what happened
- Why we should not be forced to befriend a BFF’s abusive spouse
- Why I refused to “confer” with Tracy–and how Richard betrayed me
- Tracy refused to accept the NVLD and introversion–but they are real
- Resolving conflict: The difference between friends and frenemies
9. The fallout; a second chance?
- I send an apology–and we’re all blocked on Facebook
- Struggling to process what the F**K just happened
- E-mail to Mike: processing my pain
- Pondering forgiveness vs. giving in to the dark vortex
- Shock: Richard and Tracy at my church
- About Richard justifying Tracy’s verbal abuse because I am shy and quiet
- The monster comes back out: Tracy punishes me for long-dead issues
- How Tracy’s e-mails displayed narcissism
- I suggest a six-month break
- I refuse to give in to Tracy’s emotional blackmail
- Tracy blamed others for her abuse
- Tracy tried to force me to submit to her abuse
- Grief over losing my best and closest friend–for no good reason
- Written 2010: Grief over being falsely accused
- Written 2010/2011: Grief over being abused–and the abuser getting away with it
- Written 2010/2011: I see Tracy hanging out of the window of their minivan, like a crazy woman
- Written 2011: Grief that my abusers kept coming to my church but not apologizing to me
- Blog Post for my friends: Fighting the Darkness (Written in February 2011)
- Can we destroy something God put in place?
- An old friend shows me that Richard and Tracy were deceivers, never friends
- The long, dark night of my soul as I doubt God exists–because my spiritual mentor betrayed me
- I start doubting Tracy was ever truly a Christian–so it’s okay to separate myself from her fellowship
- Grief felt on 6/12/11
- 2011 Facebook post: Original form of Losing Your Best Friend?–Or, Narcissistic Webs
11. Struggle to regain normalcy
- Describing Richard’s narcissism
- Realizing how Richard manipulated me into doing things I shouldn’t
- Was Richard’s betrayal driven by Narcissism–or Stockholm Syndrome?
- Tracy: a woman who abuses a man
- Richard’s lack of action made him a passive abuser
- Fear of it all happening again with new friends–but relief as well
- Written early or mid 2011: working through the grief, pain and anger
- How Richard and Tracy’s views on parenting are wrong
- Running into Richard and Tracy at church/the store/Greekfest a year later
12. Musings on how Christians should treat each other
13b. Thinking of celebrating the first anniversary
14. Updates on Richard’s Criminal Charges
- Introduction to this section: Richard’s Criminal Charges
- UPDATE 7/26/11: Richard is charged with abusing his daughter; I report them to CPS
- UPDATE 9/14/11: I learn that Richard choked his daughter
- UPDATE 10/4/11: Richard is convicted of choking his daughter
- UPDATE 10/23/11: After his conviction, Richard comes to my church
Sequel to this Story: Fighting the Darkness: Journey from Despair to Healing